Single liners

Tactfully phrasing
 

negative report card comments:

1. Richard has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow Hunter to breed.
3. Billie Sue is not much of a has-been as more 
   of a definite won't be.
4. Works well under constant supervision and 
   cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she open her mouth, she only seems to change feet.

6. Josh would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

7. Sara sets low personal standards then consistently 
   fails to achieve them.

8. This child has delusions of adequacy.

9. Rex is depriving a village somewhere, of an idiot.

10. He has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic to 
    hold it all together.

11. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

12. Patrick has been working with glue too much.

13. Curtis would argue with a signpost.

14. Derrick has a knack for making strangers immediately.

15. Chase brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

16. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train
    isn't coming.

17. If you gave Dusty a penny for his thoughts, you 
    would get change.

18. Some drink from a fountain of knowledge, 
    Brian only gargled.

19. Jeremiah's wheel is turning, but the hampster is dead.

Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Getting stoned out of your head
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: pothead
Now: potbelly

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Real Estate Terms

 

 
Sophisticated City Living - next to a noisy bar.
 
Old World Charm - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.
 
Contemporary Feeling - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
 
Close to Lakes - Impossible to park on street from April to October.
 
Picturesque setting - Abandoned cars and waist-high weeds on neighbors lots.
 
Wide Open Floor Plan - previous owner removed supporting walls.
 
Updated Kitchen - Sink no longer overflows.
 
Security System - neighbor has dog.
 
Needs TLC - major structural damage.
 
Motivated Seller - been on market for 14 years.
 
Convenient - next to freeway onramp.
 
Mint condition - spilled mouthwash on floor.
 
Neutral Decor - No murals of nudes or Elvis.
 
Move-in Condition - front door missing.
 
Cozy - no room bigger than 9'x 6.'
 
Light, Open spaces - many holes in walls.
 
Outstanding - sticks out like a sore thumb... 

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